When I was little I used to think how awesome it would be to be invisible. I could just sit in my room eating Sugar Daddys and chewing Bazooka gum all day and no one would know. I could watch TV all night! But then I realized the TV would be on and my dad would be like “What the fuck? Why is the TV on and no one watching it and who is leaving Bazooka gum papers all over the floor?” and I began obsessing about it, and as I do with most things, talked myself out of enjoying it.
When I was a teenager I used to think how fantastic it would be to be invisible. I could sneak out to be with my boyfriend every night, I could walk right out the front door with my parents sitting there watching Mannix, and they would never know! I could wear those tight jeans that my mom forbid me to leave the house in and I could even wear a tube top! I mean I would have to go buy one but no! I could just go into a store and take one, I’m invisible! But then I was like no, that’s not right. It’s fine if you want to be a slut but you have to pay for your top.
Anyway I could just walk right out the door in my super tight bell bottom jeans and my pink tube top and get into his car and we could drive to the beach. But then I was like, wait if I’m invisible does my boyfriend see me? If I’m invisible do I even exist? And then I was overcome with the hideous thought of not being here and decided to finish my homework and read “Coffee Tea and Me” which I snuck from my mom’s nightstand. It was all about stewardesses and pilots having sex and stuff and to this day when I’m on a plane, I wonder who is doing it with who up there.
When I was a mother with young children I thought how fucking fabulous it would be to be invisible. Mommy? Mommy? Mom? Mom!!
If I was invisible, I could just put them all in front of the TV and they would just have to sit there and be good because there was no one to say “No hitting!” or, “Do you need to go potty?” or “Okay here, mommy picked off all the onions for you.” I could sit there and read my House Beautiful magazine and drink my Tab for hours without wiping a butt or rewinding a movie.
But then, I would think what it would be like not to be there for them. If I was invisible my husband would probably have to find a woman he could see and that bitch would raise MY kids. She might be one of those women with a job and they would be eating pizza and McDonalds for dinner that she stopped for on her way home from the office. Or maybe they would have to hire a nanny to help out. Well there is no way I’m letting MY kids be raised by a nanny! No way!
And then my husband would come home from work and wonder why I wasn’t speaking to him.
When my kids were teenagers I thought please please make me invisible. No explanation needed on that one.
Here is the good news: My wish has come true. I am now middle-aged and I am totally invisible! If you happen to be a middle-aged woman, you may be too, unless you have had your face done and your boobs lifted and your tum tum cool sculpted but even so, your neck may give you away. If you’re not sure, here is a fool-proof way to test it:
Go to a bar, you know a nice bar with a good variety of people and order a drink. I mean TRY to order a drink. Now you have to actually go up to the bar and stand there, you can’t whimp out and sit at a table where a server will come up to you and say in a loud voice, “Be with you in a minute hon,” never to be seen or heard from again as the millenials at the next table give their orders for rose, and old fashioneds and Titos rocks, and prosecco. No, go on and belly up.
Now you know do that thing that always works, smile at the bartender, you know how you do it not with your mouth but with your eyes. That look that says, “Baby I want a drink and you’re going to give it to me.” What? It’s not working? He moved right past you, you say?
Okay well let the young woman in the sundress finish her order. I mean she is celebrating! She past her real estate exam today, let her have her moment. She’s already signed with a broker and has a name badge. A real go getter that one. Once he serves her the cucumber jalapeno martini she ordered he will be all yours.
Yes, I do see that he is moving on to the those two young guys in ball caps ordering the single malt. Were they here before you? Probably. That’s probably it.
Isn’t it awesome? I told you you’re invisible! Super cool, right?
Your turn next for sure though. The eyes, you have to give him the eyes!
Oh I know, move to the middle of the bar and hold up cash in your hand. That will show him you are strong and independent and can afford a martini and probably a tip too. Yes, I do see that he is moving down to the end of the bar to wait on the two couples who are wanting to do some bourbon tasting. That could take a while.
Maybe just go home and fix yourself the vodka tonic you’ve been trying to order for the last thirty minutes.
Oh, I forgot to mention, the super power only works when you are out among people. Once you are home, you become totally visible again. Your kids, your husband and your dog are all fully aware of your presence. Even the lawn guy sees you and would like to discuss the azaleas with you, they are totally out of control. Should he trim them back? That will cost a little extra but, you know, it’s all about curb appeal. Your house is so visible from the street.
Sorry. Unlike you, your house does not have super powers.