Out of my way bitches! Bride coming through!
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Don’t be so negative I tell myself. This is a gift I tell myself. Time to discover your inner creativity. Do the things you always wanted to do but couldn’t because you had to go to Pilates twice a week.
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I have found my person, the ying to my yang, the beginning to my end. I’ve found my soul mate— his name? Dr. Anthony Fauci.
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Well if the first week is any indication, 2020 is going to be the kind of year that makes me ask myself…”Why didn’t I just stay home?”
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And then I sat in a window seat on a plane to California and everything went to shit.
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It was the trip of a lifetime for M and I, our first trip to Europe together! We started in Rome, with a 9 am tour of the Vatican on our first day there, after a huge latte (they don’t do the half skim half soy extra shot run through twice…stuff) and prosciutto and mozzarella with fresh basil on crusty bread. What? Yes an entire sandwich for breakfast, you’re allowed to do that over there.
Read MoreIt’s not that I don’t I love the water. I do. I love putting my feet in it and listening to waves lap the shore and seeing dolphins jump and all of that. But I can’t breathe in it. It’s unnatural. The thought of it terrifies me. And yet, I decided to take a surfing lesson in California
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As we drive to the beach I put on a brave face. Don’t be THAT person I tell myself, the one who brings everybody else down, though let’s face it, I do have quite a knack for that, a gift, if you will.
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At this age, I rarely step out of the box. I don’t know how big YOUR box is but mine basically encompasses a five mile radius around my house.
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Being a woman has it’s privileges. In fact it’s magical, as we all learned in junior high during the one hour film “You and Your Body.” That’s where we learned that one day our bodies would change forever but not to worry. IT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL.
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When it comes to applying for jobs, I can’t seem to stop myself— I try and try and then try again. As a midlife woman, it’s like a form of self punishment I guess. Rather than overeat (unless I’m at a bbq and there’s kettle chips or artichoke dip) or hoard years and years of newspapers and Publix coupons, I search the Indeed job site everyday and talk myself into believing I can get one.
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This year, my son gave me the 23 and me DNA kit for Christmas. And it sat on my desk for months because I was like, “Do I really need to know any more than I already do?”
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Here is the good news: My wish has come true. I am now middle-aged and I am totally invisible! If you happen to be a middle-aged woman, you may be too, unless you have had your face done and your boobs lifted and your tum tum cool sculpted but even so, your neck may give you away. If you’re not sure, here is a fool-proof way to test it:
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My judgment day is far from over as I learned the other night in dog obedience school. That’s right, Reuben and I are in obedience school and there have been noticeable changes: 1. I have had to refill my old Xanax prescription and 2. Reuben has gained five pounds from me having to treat him each time he takes a single step otherwise he sits down and barks at me. In front of everyone.
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If you are newly divorced, then while people around you are gearing up for a great new year and setting goals and blah blah blah, you might be thinking: What’s next for me? What can I look forward to other than being that extra person at the dinner party who is seated next to the hostess’ brother because his wife just ran off with her spin instructor and hey, you guys will have something to talk about. He will look at you mid-bite of the kale caesar and say, “I just didn’t see it coming? Did you see it coming? I didn’t see it coming,” as he bites down on a crouton.
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