I'm Really APPLYING Myself

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I’ve never really subscribed to the whole if at first you don’t succeed try, try again. Really? Talk about a time waster. If at first you don’t succeed, you obviously can’t do it, so go watch a show. That’s my belief, and as you can see, it has served me very well.

However, when it comes to applying for jobs, I can’t seem to stop myself, I try and try and then try again. As a midlife woman, it’s like a form of self punishment I guess. Rather than overeat (unless I’m at a bbq and there’s kettle chips or artichoke dip) or hoard years of newspapers and Publix coupons til I can’t open my front door, (the ones that fall under the refrigerator don’t count) I search Indeed jobs every day and talk myself into believing I can actually get one.

The last few months have been particularly bad, I can’t seem to get control of myself. It’s like almost every job I see could be my dream job. My big chance. I know that my shining moment is just an interview away. This month alone, I’ve had two major opportunities slip right through my fingers. First, I applied to a bridal store looking for, “Someone to assist brides in finding the perfect gown and accessories for their special day.”

Well what could be more perfect? I love weddings! Okay, not the talking to people part or sitting with folks you have never met who think you are probably going to be interested in hearing about their little cabin on Lake Winnietaka where, “You can catch a dang bass bigger n’ a wild hog.” For some reason you are always at the table where the guests apparently did not get the formal attire notice and are wearing a napkin tied like a bib over their short sleeved JC Penney’s dress shirt from 1978 as they swath butter across their 3rd dinner roll.

But God, I do love a bride.

So I applied.

 I sent in my resume which showed that I had recently graduated college with a writing degree which okay, I know doesn’t show how perfect I am to work with brides, or to do much else really, but I included a cover letter about my work at the spa where I administered foot baths to women, and every once in a while one was engaged. And one time, a bride came in for a hot wax dip on her hands. So, I mean, what else do they want?

As I waited anxiously for word on when my personal interview would be, I decided I would need to jazz up my wardrobe. I wanted to appear trendy and cool but also wise, all knowing and you know, classy. I couldn’t wait to sip prosecco with the happy brides and their moms after I had put together their dream wedding ensemble and though I knew they would be forever grateful to me, I decided I wouldn’t accept the last minute invites to the weddings. “But you have to come, if it wasn’t for you I would never have found my perfect dress!” kind of thing. “I’ll be with you in spirit, now off you go!” I would say.

So my thing.

So you can imagine my dismay when I received, Thank you for applying to the Wedding Bliss Outlet Store. Unfortunately we have chosen another candidate at this time.

Well. Okay I thought. Enough. Get control of yourself. Aren’t you writing a book I asked myself? Aren’t you busy taking your dog to agility class where you run around like a nut while he stands there eating squeeze cheese off the floor? Isn’t there a new season of The Handmaid’s Tale on? You’re way too busy anyway.

A week later though, I saw IT and this one was THE one. Meant for me. Without naming names, it was a job ad for a local network that sells merchandise on TV. I would basically be greeting the talent and getting them coffee and stuff. In other words, I would probably, at some point, get to meet Bethenny Frankel. I’m a big believer in chasing your dreams, so I instantly applied.

Now, I realize this is a company that hires a lot of young people with tons of get up and go, who wear rompers and over the knee boots with shorts and straw fedoras but don’t you think they would want someone a little more…worldly to calm the talent and help them over those pre-performance jitters? I’m a mother of four! I’m perfect for the job! Plus I can whip up a cup of coffee like no one’s business. Tea? You’d rather have tea? What kind, Matcha? Green? Earl Grey? I’m on it!

Of course I went through a rigorous process which began with a phone interview. The kid, I mean, man I spoke with asked me if I could work all shifts and I was like shifts? All of them? Like in the middle of the night? But I said, “Oh yes, for sure,” and then he said, “This is a part time position, no benefits or anything,” and I said, “Oh that’s okay! Insurance was included in my divorce!” (Unlike my house and the Tumi luggage) and he said “Great. Do you have any idea how your upcoming week looks?” and I said “Well… I have a pretty good idea,” and he said for me to come in the following Wednesday at 2.

And I showed up Wednesday looking professional I thought in black pants and a blazer. A blazer! What says “Do you take cream and sugar?” better than a blazer?

In the waiting area were several young women waiting to be interviewed as well, for my job or a different one I’m not really sure. They had quite different looks, one was wearing a gunny sack dress like the one I wore to Junior Prom in the seventies but she had her hair in one of those cool messy buns and dangly earrings so she was totally pulling it off. Another one had on a yellow romper with pink flowers, matching fluorescent yellow nails and a ball cap and the other was wearing jeans, pink sneakers and a t-shirt with lips on it. None and I repeat NONE of them were wearing a blazer. Sorry gals. This one is mine.

All of them had in those ear buds and were listening to either the soundtrack from A Star is Born or pod casts on eating clean with keto and I didn’t want to appear like I didn’t have a cool smart phone and knew how to use it so I pulled mine out too. I didn’t have ear buds but figured I would scroll through Facebook, see if any new recipes had been posted on my Weight Watchers Insta-pot page.

So I pull out my phone and swipe up, I think, I didn’t have my readers on so as not to appear ancient, and before I knew what was happening, my “Calming Mammogram Anxiety” hypnosis app starts playing! And I am swiping and swiping and nothing is happening and all through the lobby you can hear, “Tell yourself you are doing everything you can to keep yourself in good health. And if there is anything wrong a mammogram is the best way to ensure early detection…” and the girls are looking at me like are you insane? What’s a mammogram?

Finally I push the off button and the phone powers down but talk about an awkward moment.

So. P.S., I didn’t get the job. Not because of the mammogram incident, (I don’t think) but because, you  know, they decided to go with a different candidate at this time. Someone wearing jeans ripped to shreds with high heeled sneakers would be my guess.

But that’s okay. I just saw the perfect job for me…food stylist! Who better than I to make cauliflower rice really shine on the plate? This one is so mine.

Because, you know my motto…if at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try, try, try, try, try ……………..again.